good times to come

I've decided that, after two years of living together, my roommate and I will go our separate ways. It's sad to see such a great friendship wither and die, but when you constantly put your guard down only to be let down time after time, you have to ask yourself questions.

I don't think it's right to live somewhere you don't feel is home. While I don't want to say her boyfriend is cause of this, he is a major influence. From Friday to Monday he lives here. Not only does this make me angry in that that is half the week without him having to pay bills, but it also makes me feel like I'm just a person getting in their way. Every weekend I always make a ton of plans because I know they will be taking over the living room and the kitchen, leaving me like a hermit crab in my room. Yes, I am open to hanging out with them, and on occasion I do, but they are the sort of couple who block everyone out besides themselves. I know he doesn't like me, it's quite obvious, and I'm not keen on hanging out with people just to make the peace. Screw that.

The last straw came this weekend when andrea and I suggest we go to MY friend's house, by taking nathan's truck. You see, she doesn't have any friends anymore in Lubbock, because she just simply doesn't care. But, I thought it would be fun and not having to use gas sounded nice, so we went, and she knows a lot of the same people as I do via my own friendships with these people.

Immediately, they bubbled themselves off. I even heard from people I didn't know that there was this couple that would give them the bad eye whenever they got close, as if their time and space together was too precious. So, not suprisingly, after a short time they wanted to go back to the apartment. Of course, I didn't want to leave yet and didn't see why they wanted to go back to simply play a video game they had been playing for seven hours that day. So Andrea told me that I should call them when I wanted to go home and bolted out the door before I could say anything.

Mind you, I didn't call five hours later. After about an hour and a half, I texted her AND him saying I wanted to go home. No answer. Waited another hour. Now, from past experience, I should have known this. I chose to text because I usually get a faster response. But, like usual, they ignored me as if I was a pest in their glorious love life. So I was LEFT at my friend's house. I was embarrassed that my roommate would do that. I started making plans to stay the night there, although I didn't want to, because by that time, about 20 people had showed up, and I was one of three girls there. It was dangerous. So, I got a friend to take me home.

What is more strange is what happened after. I didn't get an "I'm sorry." I didn't get a text back. I didn't get an email. Which, would have all been polite and I would have gotten over it. But, no, my room mate has decided to ignore me, although it's clearly obvious that she owes me a big apology for leaving me stranded in a dangerous place. Although many of my frends were there, as usual with a party, I didn't know many of the people there and I didn't want to sleep somewhere when there were strangers roaming around and an uncontrolled environment. I could have driven myself, that was fine with me, but it was her idea that her boyfriend take us over.

So, today I called my mom and let her know what happened. I will be living ALONE next year. After months and months of having to feel like some accesory in my own apartment, I've had enough. I've had enough of her only wanting to hang out when she isn't with him and when she wants to have fun, like go out to bars or a party. First of all, they're MY friends (not my fault you don't have any by your lack to keep them), and I'm NOT going to hang out with someone who uses me as a vehicle to party. I have more integrity than that. I'm not trying to say I don't want her to be friends with those people, or that we haven't have fun times before, but now it is just so obvious that she has her agenda and will use it when it benefits her.

After years of supplying all the furniture and all other utilities and utensils to the apartment, I'll be leaving. After two years of paying the cable bill because she said she didn't want it, and then proceeded to WATCH TV MORE THAN I HAVE, I have realized the degree of her parasitical nature. I can't live with someone I don't respect. She has all ready stated that she wants to come along for the ride via her boyfriend by wasting her parent's college money and his by allowing him to pay for almost everything. She is not a Christian, which is evident by her non-stop use of weed, and she is not the person I used to know, excited about making her own future, and yes, I do blame it on him.

The point when I leave is when it starts to affect me, and it has. I don't feel at home here. I feel like I'm getting in her way, so I'll simply remove myself. I hope her luck in finding someone who has put up with as much as I have.

attached at the hip

can i just vent for a second? today i have been the victim of something that must stop: young couples attached at the hip. no, i'm not talking about those who have just started dating, or those who are at marriage status. i am talking about kids my age, about 20-21, who can't seem to get a freakin life outside of their significant others even after months and years of dating. no, they are the less equipped breed who can't seem to find that natural balance most of us deem obvious. these people will, even at last minute, ditch you to hang out with said significant other even when plans have been cemented even hours, days, weeks in advance, and even if they haven't seen you in a good minute. they make it CLEARLY obvious that any activity would be better enjoyed with their loved one, and won't hide that fact from you.

even better, when there is no way for them to hang out with their significant other, they will expect you to drop everything to hang out with them and show them a good time, to give them a "girls night out" or a "breather."

i'm sorry, but if you can't go a week without seeing who you're dating, you have a major problem.

i've found that many of the people with these sort of relationships have nothing better going for them. either not intelligent enough to be a motivated person, or dependent on the other person for all their emotional and monetary needs. basically, they put all their future "cards" into this person, believing they will never break up on need another source of comfort for, let's say, infinity.

no; it doesn't matter how much longer you have known this person, what you have done for this person, etc. when it comes to ROMANTIC LOVE, apparently ditching the other people you love is seen as acceptable, and you shouldn't complain, because "you know how it is." 

i mean i know how it is to be in a long-term relationship. i've been in one for a year now. the difference between me and other daters who can't seem to pry away from their significant others is the emphasis i place on my love life; that balance. yes, i enjoy a relationship but who i give up all of my friends for it? no. would i give up my career for it? no. education? no. maybe when i turn thirty i'll think about it, but it comes down to the fact that i have more going for me than my relationship with my boyfriend. it isn't my life, just a part of it.

i guess tonight, i'm just frustrated. my roommate won't answer my calls or knocks on the door because she's too busy smoking pot with her boyfriend, although they spend every waking moment together three days out of the week (apparently that's not enough), and spend their time ONLY eating or smoking pot, and i just got ditched by a male friend whose excuse was, i quite " can't girlfriend is coming over." i mean, SERIOUSLY? thanks for making me feel like a worthless peice of shit, guys.

bonus points when said "friend" was the one who wanted to hang out in the first place, and then THEY dtich you. excellent.

cool stuff

two of my poems are in an art gallery on campus as part of a two-class collaboration. i went there today to visit, and it is ver professional looking. very exciting to see my name and work plastered to a wall. there is some sort of reception in two weeks for it. sort of proud that my poems were at the front of the gallery. i also wrote two pretty good poems today. very strange because i like them how they are. usually when i first write a rough draft i know the bad parts but don't know how to fix them just yet, but i really really enjoy these two.

got three books from the library, one collection from william carlos williams, commentary book from wcw, and some louise gluck as usual. there is a party tonight but not sure if i would want to socialize or work on my stuff and read more.

2008

reflecting on the year it is not easy to remind myself of the horrible events that have happened. being back in plano i am reminded of the death of my friend, joey, who died late october. i am reminded of wesley, who died this year in iraq, a person i had not seen in years but a person close to my heart as the acolyte present at my baptism. i still remember seeing him smile when i was being baptized and it's not something i will ever forget.

i am also reminded of the horrible events involving two certain people, the first one involving a man at my work who knew what kind of car i drove, my work schedule, etc. comparably i am reminded of an individual at school who also made me a victim by writing inappropriate poems about me in a class i shared with him and writing obsessive letters and emails.

it's sad to think these are the things i think of when looking back on 2008. they all involve fear. losing joey and wesley have allowed me to better understand some things. first of all never waste your time on somebody who doesn't want to be in your life and whose actions speak against your better welfare. second of all do not put off your own happiness for anything or anybody.

the events involving the man at work and the man at school have made me realize how important it is to be safe. i always thought i was the safest person, always following parking lot guidelines (keys pointed out in hands, stepping away from undercarriage of vehicle), and always locking every single lock in my apartment and checking the locks every night before bed. however, i have had to face the sad reality that, while i deem myself a smart individual, not even albert einstein himself can decode an evil human being.

i am writing tonight as i just watched the first 48, a program about finding and convicting murderers, where a murderers' receipts were found at two place i have visited just this week: the target off of the highway, and the place of my employment. while the individual may not have visited my exact work location, as there are a couple in the dallas area, it is very likely as it is the store nearest to the target as previously mentioned. while i did not recognize him, it is strange to believe that every day we may come into contact with somebody whose motives we are unaware of and somebody who quite possibly would enjoy inflicting harm on even a stranger.

i am starting 2009 off with a lot more awareness about the people around me, the good people and the bad people. one of my first purchases will be bear mace, because as sad as it is, i do not feel safe in this world. hopefully i will also get to visit the grave site of joey, and get to be alone with him to share my thoughts. i did have some great things happen this year, but they don't seem as important in this moment. i will possibly speak of them in a later post.

zee troof auf eet ahl

Well, tonight I've been in quite the meditative mood.

Realizing I have misplaced my passion. Getting too wrapped up in wordly things. School getting on my nerves, people getting on my nerves, being tugged every which way.

It just comes down to the fact that the number one priority for anyone should be to make themselves happy. Of course that is easier said then done.

So then I ask myself, Jaclyn, what would make you happy? A big red bow? No. A cookie? Maybe.

But seriously, I feel like I've done a lot this year, but nothing at all. It's so weird. It's kinda like getting your car keyed. Like ya, I can see it, but barely. But it still makes a difference.

Ok, that was a horrible simile, but it does feel like that.

I feel as though I have taken baby steps most of my life, but I can clearly see all of the connections. I used to sing, and I was pretty good at it. Not the best, but it made me happy, sometimes, and that's what mattered. Then I found out that the reason why I liked singing so much was the words. Ok, so then I started writing more heavily, going off of the diaries I used to write little poems in when I was a kid. Then, a teacher, Mrs. Otti, helped me along. She really supported my writing, and she made me wanna be a writer. I got a thrill from writing, and hearing a response back. It was like singing, but it was something I could never conquer. With singing, there is a peak and that's it. There's a time where you have pretty much learned almost everything neccesary to sing in a choir of all levels. So, I got bored. I also realized God gave me a good voice, but not a spectacular. Kinda like putting Britney Spears up against Celine Dion. Ok, so maybe the difference wasn't THAT big, but I realized the end of that was in sight.

So then, fast forward to college. Took some poetry classes. Honestly, I took them because I wanted an easy A, and I had studied a little bit of poetry in high school and knew I liked it. Took a class with a teacher I will call Pat, and he found something special in me, said he wanted me to keep writing, I could get really good.

I have realized a few things this year. First of all that I have always had to have someone else validate me before I went forward with things. That makes me sad inside. Second of all I remembered a memory with my middle school teacher, Mrs. Conway, who said at an open house that she would nto be surprised to open up a newspaper one day and see my column there. It makes me giggle inside to think that came true, and a fucking middle school teacher predicted my future like the back of her hand.

These highs and lows that come with writing. I can't call myself a poet yet because I haven't been published. Yes, ok, I really haven't tried yet, but still. Why get published? Not for the money. And I have to tell myself over and over again not for my self-esteem, because that will shatter a person in the poetry world. But just because it would make me happy. It would make me happy to know all sorts of people are reading something from me, from my heart. I want to picture people reading my stuff on airplanes, at the coffee table, wherever, whatever. I can only hope and pray that I will one day have my own collection of poetry, but for now I am talking about small things. Just one poem, in a fairly respected journal. That's all that could get me going.

I have always felt as though God is behind what I do and why I do it. I think there is a reason why he let me sing for the time being, and took that passion away to replace it with another. I think there is a reason for the Otti's and Pat's and Conway's in my life. He knows something I don't know. I haven't been the most strict Christian, I haven't always done the right thing, but I have always kept Him with me. I know the reason why I write is for Him, no matter how far away I have until I get really good. He brings me up and down. Gives me opportunities and takes them away. Wants to see what i would do to get it back.

I guess the point of this blog is to say that I am ready to be happy again, and put away all of the bad things that have happened to me. The death of friends, the scary situations I have been put in, the draining of my energy on things that weren't worth it. I am stronger because of them, but I won't say I don't regret them. I do, even if I could not prevent them, I always find a way to tag it back on myself. That is my greatest flaw. I can be so damned hard on myself; I am the best at playing the blame game and always making it come back to me. It works to make me a tough and legitimate person, but it's a problem I need to fix.

But yes, back to the happiness, and what makes me happiest, at least for the time being, is reading and writing poetry, and the extension of that is getting just one poem published in the near future. A lot of times I will read my stuff and think, wow, what shit. And then I am grateful for the good comments I receive, because they think I can get it good, and most of all, God is allowing me to do this for a reason.

So, to you all, I would say don't put off making yourself happy. My teacher, Otti, once said it was obvious why people were unhappy. It was because they spend so little time out of the day doing what they actually want. I'll never forget that.